This is the 166th installment of The Labyrinthian, a series dedicated to exploring random fields of knowledge to give you unordinary theoretical, philosophical, strategic, and/or often rambling guidance on daily fantasy sports. Consult the introductory piece to the series for further explanation.
Thanksgiving is about two things: Watching football and eating pie. If you want football insight, check out our Thanksgiving breakdown and special podcast. This piece is about pie.
Here they are: “The Official FantasyLabs Thanksgiving Pie Power Rankings.” More accurately, they should probably be called . . .
“The Unofficial Freedman-Only Anytime-of-the-Year List of Pies I’m Going to Eat Tomorrow”
. . . but that’s a mouthful, and I don’t have room for anything in my mouth except for pie. Enjoy.
The Official FantasyLabs Thanksgiving Pie Power Rankings
1. Pumpkin Pie
In the words of Chad Millman of The Action Network and The Buffet podcast, “The right side is the winning side.”
2. Cherry Pie
Two words: “Bobbie Brown.” Three more words. “Vanilla ice cream.”
3. Sweet Potato Pie
Only the true connoisseur can appreciate the difference between pumpkin and sweet potato pies. That difference is the Shibboleth of Thanksgiving pies.
4. Pecan Pie
I’m not talking about the store-bought variety. I’m talking about the kind your aunt makes with pecans from Texas, bourbon from Kentucky, and a recipe from Louisiana.
5. Apple Pie
Good for all sorts of Thanksgiving fun, right Jim?
6. Dulce de Leche Ice Cream Pie
For the people too good for fruit.
7. Peach Pie
I don’t know if peach pie is even seasonably appropriate for Thanksgiving. Professional pie eaters don’t worry about stuff like that.
8. Blueberry Pie
I like to eat blueberry pie on Independence Day — it’s accompanied by strawberry ice cream and whipped cream — but really what day is more American than Thanksgiving?
9. French Silk Pie
Not as good as french toast or french fries, but a good pie to cleanse the palate after several courses of heartier pies.
10. Lemon Meringue Pie
If I didn’t put this somewhere on the list, Mama Lynn would’ve been disappointed.
11. Pear Pie
If your mother-in-law forces upon you enough pear pies, eventually they taste good.
12. Strawberry-Rhubarb Pie
For the people who think regular ol’ strawberry pie isn’t fancy enough.
13. Mincemeat Pie
Research the Thanksgiving games with our Tools and Models — and don’t bring that sh*t pie into this house.
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The Labyrinthian: 2017.71, 166
Matthew Freedman is the Editor-in-Chief of FantasyLabs. He has a dog and sometimes a British accent. In Cedar Rapids, Iowa, he’s known only as The Labyrinthian. Previous installments of the series can be accessed via the series archive.
